'Osama Bin Gnome' turns up in local taxi ad.; latest attempt at disguise

(Roeters, USA) Exclusive photographic proof as make-up under the hot lights began to melt away around her eyes is that illegal alien Gnome Garnish Waschaei (4Zgnome-BC) attempted to infiltrate the ranks of cab drivers in the New York City area by posing as "Tina," the Taxi Babe for GW Taxi. The company had hired "Tina" to begin a slate of personal appearances beginning with a bikini contest at their World Headquarters and Campus in Fort Lee.

Suspicions arose as "Tina" became "testy," according to Bob Pete, co-founder of the car service, "...every time we asked her to show a teeny bit more cleavage for the publicity photos (final version above) she began to speak this funky mixture of Gaelic and Albanian slang." Tape recorded translations performed by local forensic authorities determined he/she was upset about having "to show this bounty of loveliness 'baefore ates taeme." 

The model, "Tina," was last seen storming off the set shouting, "I bet the boys at Babe's Taxi would treat me with more respect!" - C. Charles Baines

"Osama Bin Gnome" Training Video

(Roeters) Former Gnomeland Defense Director Elbert T.Farmway has supplied Roeters with an apparently confiscated training video through his lawyers Shelmlock, Shemlock & Fred. The video is purported to show new methods in the hunt for illegal alien Gnome Garnish Waschaei (4Zgnome-BC,) now commonly referred to in the media as Osama bin Gnome.

The low quality DVD was delivered (by all accounts) from a dwarf whose hair style was eerily reminiscent of Donald Doo © and spoke in an angry lisp.

-C. Charles Baines

Gw, Taxi Gnome searches for cousin Bløe, FaescheGnome

Gnome Applies to NASCAR

(Roeters) Gnomeland Security has today intercepted an online application by the rogue Gnome Garnish Waschaei (4Zgnome-BC) to compete professionally with the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing (NASCAR.)

The Gnome in application photograph courtesy of CHAW

Bubba L. Frippee, Executive Director of Ceeping Hackers A Way (CHAW) said his group was working in tandem with NASCAR to verify the application's authenticity. "We... (long pause as he wiped spilled brown chaw with tiny, fluffy leaf from his starched 'work' shirt)... we... (additional long pause as he repeated the procedure)...um... (once more, now having perfected the method)... we don't take lightly to these here e-lectronic fraudlent' online claims which could have been 'purpeted' against this new celebrity. Gnome."

In other words, the application might have been entered with the distinct intention to discredit the undercover Gnome who is reportedly attempting also to enroll as a Taxi driver. He is not on record as having a human driver's license. If it were proved that he has applied without one he would be committing a Gnome felony in that Gnomes aren't supposed to man a car.
-C. Charles Baines, Agencies du Gnome

GW, Taxi Gnome finds cousin Igor

'"Waes ait ale ah dræm?" - Warschaei

Gw, Taxi Gnome finds cousin Ffatlipp

The clue was to look for a star! Some star! He was so tired he wasn't moving. He looked hungry and overworked.

1st VIDEO: Waschaei Surfaces in search of 1st Blue Cab clue

(Roters, USA) Illegal alien Gnome Garnish Waschaei (4Zgnome-BC)was spotted on an internet video posting evidently on this side of the gnome border. Sources say the digital audio recording which monitors the alleged airlock portal detected words from a high pitched voice, much like someone speaking after inhaling helium.

"Hold your lung air and climb! Don't stop till you reach the little grey bridge...," then... (a rushing sound of wind...,) Whoosh!, followed by Puh-Twang!... (similar to pursed lips expectorating a prune pit out of the window a moving 1959 Studebaker.) - C. Charles Baines

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© C. Charles Baines, Agencies du Gnome
At City Hall, a stunned Elbert Farmway
at Mayor Bloomberg press conference.

Farmway resigns post, will not run for Taxi Commissioner; Charged with hiding bad wig Gnome

(APA, USA) Gnomeland Defense Director Elbert T.Farmway announced his resignation today after allowing Bitter Gnome Garnish Waschaei to surface in Fort Lee, NJ despite blaring intelligence reports of links to Donald Trump and his Hair Gnome.

It was allegedly the Trump Hair Gnome who appeared to have forced Rosie O'Donnell's hand to "swoosh" her hair into a Donald Doo © while appearing on the television program, The View according to Waschaei.

He mailed a media packet with two photographs which he claims to capture the moment in which the lightening-fast Trump Hair Gnome left his host after causing this calamity between the two celebrities. Waschaei said proof of his cousin's moment of exit lay in the gap-mouthed expression by the two as he exited the scalp area by pushing off with his toenails. Thus the open mouth look of surprise by both.

Authorities with Gnomeland Defense questioned the two and both denied remembering a Wig Gnome springing from below their scalps. Further examination by DR. Milton Stewart of the Island Gnome Laboratories did indeed reveal "Two sets of six parallel scratches. Scratches which would match up with a springing gnome minus the weight of a bad wig," he said at the podium.- C. Charles Baines

Garnish Waschaei moments before surfacing

© Gnome Services, LgB - Waschaei caught on reverse portal cam while peering out onto bridge base prior to airlock release

(Fort Lee, NJ, USA) As the pile driver crashed down into his parents cave, Garnish Waschaei plopped out into the world below. It seems his mother was so startled that the gnome baby was propelled across the rock walled room into his fathers right pocket. His mother, alas, was not spared by the very first land drilling on the New Jersey side for the new George Washington Bridge. His father managed to find safety and later bury her on the other side of the Hudson, two feet from the little lighthouse there.

"He used to see the light and know she was resting just a little below," Fort Lee Taxi Driver Bob Peter said. "He said, 'She was beautiful in man-made lighting."

"For decades GW bitterly resented the bridge itself for killing his mother. Then, he was told of the 'blue cabs' that 'could take you to the other side without becoming a Pavement Gnome.' Under the bridge a ritual is honored called "Humming the Shudders" where gnome spark inside the gullet attains peace for Bitter Gnomes if practiced atop 'yeur's motter's bury graev.' In other words, he never grieved his mother's demise. His reputation down there has suffered. Some call him Trump Gnome."

Now, after a gnome lifetime under the "Little graei bridge, up thaier," GW once told his human friend Bob Jerry, "...it's time for me to meet my 26 cousins and pass along great secrets before I mottle. I will cross in the blue cabs to her bury grave someday. I must make amends. But..., on to cousin Igor Igor first."

Gnome Waschaei has consented to allow a group of humans to document his quest. He cannot guarantee the same cooperation from all 26 cousins, some with a legendary lack of cooperation.

- C. Charles Baines